The difficult conversation

It has always been something of a surprise and a shock to me that as teachers we are not given more guidance, training and support when it comes to managing interactions with parents. Most schools have some reference to the importance of the relationship between home and school in their aims or described in their mission statement and yet this very importance relationship seems to be left to luck and the good judgement of teachers who are already juggling too much. 90% of the time we get it right, but on occasion the relationship between the school and a parent can become strained.

I have been teaching for over 20 years now and for the last 10 years I have also had the joy of being a parent, so I have had occasion to sit on both sides of the table; as a teacher trying to manage difficult situations and as a parent trying to get the best outcome for my child.

Here are some of the things I have learnt along the way…

Be prepared:

Before making the call or walking into the meeting make sure you are fully prepared. Recently I received a call from one of my children’s school, my eldest had done something they shouldn’t have. As a parent, I wanted to completely understood the reason for the call and wanted to support the school fully; I started to ask some questions to get a clear picture of what had happened.  As I started to ask questions though, I was greeted with a slightly defensive reaction. It transpired that the teacher who rang me was not the teacher who had been involved initially and that these two teachers hadn’t actually spoken to one another, so my questions couldn't be answered. This is in no way intended to be a criticism. I have been there myself and in the business of the school day it can be very difficult to meet. If we can, however, ensure that we have all the facts at our finger tips it ensures that the information is clearly imparted and that any clarification that is required can be given in a solid and confident way.

I was once given a brilliant piece of advice about interviewing or conducting meetings: try to anticipate that the questions and possible responses will be before starting the conversation. By doing this you give yourself a chance to prepare your responses and also have a chance to imagine how the recipient will react.

Empathy:

My favourite word at the moment, but the more I explore this idea the more I realise that empathy is the key skill that those brilliant teachers, who we all remember, have in bucket loads. Empathy doesn’t just come into play when dealing with children, but also when managing parents as well.

The hardest conversations are ones where the parents you are working with are angry.  It is often the case though that anger is met with a hard and frosty professionalism, which in my experience does nothing to improve the situation for either party.  I have found though that if you try to understand where the anger is coming from you have a better chance of defusing the situation at the start of the meeting and then having a productive session.

Meeting anger with annoyance doesn't work and will probably exacerbate  and heighten emotions further.

One of the key questions to ask is what is the background to this situation and how and why have things got to this point. Has there been a lack of communication or a misunderstanding or misinterpretation of a situation or an event?  Are they worried or under pressure and stressed themselves?  Try to put yourself in their shoes for a moment and look at the situation from their perspective.

Defuse, defuse, defuse.

It is often the case that just by venting those feeling and those feelings be acknowledged that the situation will calm down immediately. It is worth pointing out here though that acknowledging someone feelings is not the same as agreeing with them, but rather you are showing that you understand their position.   From this starting point you can then explain you position, your choices and decisions but at the same time understand how this may have been interpreted.

Don't wait for a crisis:

Leading on from this, try to get ahead of any problems before they turn into a crisis. I have found that tempers flare when parents feel as though the school have been aware of a situation and have done nothing.  Rather than waiting for the parents to come in and raise a concern, call them first as soon as a problem begins to develop.

Working in the child's best interests

My colleagues at school laugh at me as, along with empathy, 'working in the child's best interests' is my favourite phrase! The bottom line is that vast majority parents just want the best for their children and to know that their children are valued, supported and liked. So, to get the best out of a meeting, how can you show that you do value, support and, possibly most importantly, like their child?  Even when discussing very serious behavioural issues and/or academic problems there is no need to be uncaring.  In fact, if you act as an advocate for that child you are more likely to get the parents to engage with any sanctions or targets you wish to put in place.  As the adults we need to act like a team around the child and the only way to do that is to build a relationship with the parents so that they trust you and your intentions.

Say Sorry:

It takes courage and strength to say sorry at times, particularly if genuine mistakes have been made. There is no weakness in saying sorry, there is huge strength. It shows an impressive strength and depth of character to take responsibility for what has happened and gone wrong.  

Outcomes:

Finally, usually at the end of a meeting a plan of action will be put in place. These plans need to be reasonable and manageable for everyone; the pupil, the parent and the teacher. I am very guilty of over promising, but over the years I have learnt to put in place some quick wins so that everyone can see some progress and then some longer term strategies that will take some time.  With all targets and outcomes there needs to be a clear sense of how they are going to be achieved and this needs to be communicated clearly with everyone; especially the child, who may know what they need to do, but not necessarily how to do it.

(Saying all this though, it is very important to say: there is never any excuse for threatening, intimidating or aggressive behaviour in any meeting. You should never be put in a position where that is that case. If you don't feel comfortable going into a meeting you should be given appropriate support.)